Adiaŭ, amatino amiko

Sayonara yasashikatta egao

(BUCK-TICK. "Jupiter." Kurutta Taiyou. Victor, 1991)

I'm numb. This is not to say that I do not feel anything. On the contrary; I feel too much. Emotions combine and churn. Some conflict while some augment others. My psyche has shut down from the overload. I once heard that the ture definition of Hell is an absolute lack of the presence of God. If I were a man of any amount of faith, I would describe myself as being in Hell.


But I have no real amount of faith. The closest Relationship I have like that is with the universe, and that is more of an aquantance I met at a party and we each follow each other on Twitter. Not really a friend. As such, the universe seems to have turned its back on me, as if to not see me in such pain.

My only friend and companion right now, is a small, black cat named Katido. The one who always comforts me in my darkest hour. Like now.

I pick her up from her near slumber and she begins to purr (as I would say "she sining for me"). She knows me too well and knows the darkness that has taken me. To comfort me, she cuddles up close, and I kiss the top of her head. She gives an approving burrrk. She cuddles even closer. She purrs as I slowly, gently stroke her soft fur. I can no longer controll myself, I no longer want to. I begin to cry. She tries to comfort me.

Time is relitive. I sat like this for what seemed an eternity that was all too short. I had composed myself as much as I cared to, but tears still flowed down my face. Katido seems to have fallen asleep, but she still sings for me.

The door opens and the doctor sticks her head in. She looks tragically happy. I don't mean anything against her by no means. She looks the type that is not only always looks happy, but that it suits her as well. I actually envy these types of people. But I can tell by her eyes, the way her mouth quivers, she wants this no more than me. She, at least, has the comfort of this being a rutine, if not regretful, procedure.

She asks if it's time.

I close my eyes and nod. I can feel tears begin to run down my face again.

It is.

But it's not.

I fight to keep this moment from crystalizing in my mind. It can't. It just can't. I don't want this memory.

The doctor sits down beside me and scratches Katido on her head and retrieves her right, front leg already shaved, bandaged and with a catheter into the vein.

Katido purrs some more and cuddles up closer.

Despite how she feels, Katido knows I'm in pain, and tries to comfort me and snuggles closer, or, just maybe, welcomes this and wants me to know it's all right.

A part of me watches dispassionatly. Another watches in abject horror as to what is about to happen to my little girl.

The doctor takes out the first Syringe and explaines that it is simply water. My little girl is so dehydrated her body possibly welcomes it as 2cc's are injected.

The second is anesthetic. It's a thick, white liquid. Katido snuggles closer. The whole time I gently stroke her and she relaxes. She's asleep now and resting in my arms, all the while singing for me the most beautiful of songs.

Time for the third... I won't remember the color or the Opacity. If I do, it would become the embodyment of nightmares. Despite the evidence of my eyes, I won't.

The doctor, with care, slipped the needle into the catheter and slowly injected the liquid.

She tells me to take as long as I need and departs.

As long as I need? Even my cold, anylitical side side yells "I need at least seven more fucking years! She's still my kitty! Mia Kateton! She's still.. my.. little girl!"

Katido continues to purr as she sleeps in my arms. Her revs become more distant now, as she slowly slips from my tight grasp. I kiss her on the top of her head again and say I'm sorry. I love you. I'm so, so sorry.

She's stopped purring now. I can no longer feel her breathing. I can no longer feel her with me.

Gently, I lay her on the examination table where a blanket had been left for her. She rests like she did all those mornings I woke up with her curled up next to me. One last time I kiss her on the top of her head and cover her up.

Goodbye, gentle smiling face.